Sunday, May 18, 2008

No, I didn't die.


I so have not remembered how to post on this site...

(I know, I know, 'soon as this thing pops up, poor Lime and K are gonna have a stroke... (ladies I'm sorry... I have gotten your notes here and there, know that you've been in my prayers, as have your families, --I've not been on Blogger in a dogs age... (no disresepct to 'Dog.')

I guess an update is in order.

We're, what... five months into the year?
It doesn't feel that long, but we're getting into the heat over here in Fresno, (up over a hundred during the weekend... funny, learn to work with the stuff, and you just sort of walk out, and it picks you up and floats you along.. (until you actually swoon from it, and almost fall over (that AC to Heat transfer thing... gotta love it...)

I keep my townhouse at about 72 degrees... (I like cooler weather,,, I know, I moved to the wrong place...)

The car that I bought last fall actually has airconditioning (not that there's anything wrong with a pickup that is 35 years old that doesn't... ---that said pickup has a big-block Ford motor in it, ---that 'had things done,' by a stockcar racer so he could tow his car on a trailer AND have a camper on the back... means that the ol' girl gets something like six or seven miles to the gallon (empty.)
Needless to say, my Jetta gets tons more use... (over thirty miles on the highway, 'high twenties around town...)

Where to start:

Okay:
Romance front:
Long and short of it?
There isn't any.
(yeah, I know, moans and gasps with that... (and not the sort of moans and gasps one would hope to have associated with 'romance,' either.)

There is a woman who came in to buy a bicycle for her daughter just prior to Christmas.
We struck up a conversation, proceeded to blow each other away, and fell madly in love... Pretty much lock, stock, and barrell.

That was an all intensive thing, with a total reorienting of life for yours truly, as the holidays came and went, she was prepped to move (from an apartment to a house that she had just bought two blocks away from me,,,)
The actual move.
The working on the thing and tons of unpacking and such...
Which brought us to Easter.

(I've always maintained my own place, not the 'shacking up,' sort, actually, (neither is she,) but it was sort of a every-day talking to, being with as much as possible including church sort of thing, and we were both convinced that this was something God had really brought on, headed towards being together forever, etc. etc.

A week after Easter, things just felt funny, and not ha-hah funny.
Aftetr a long letter, explaining my concerns, and asking if she wanted to talk about it, I got an Email saying that it was over... (coupla days she called to apologize for the Email aspect of it, but basically she was done.)
Still don't know what happened.
I have my feelings on it.
But, for whatever the reasons: I've not heard from her since then... (have written a couple of letters, and DO live like, two blocks away...)

It's been pretty intense.
I really loved her kids, really loved her, --and truth be told, still do love her.
But it is what it is.

On THAT cheery note...

Well, a lot has been happening in life.

Like...
...um
Devoting yourself to somebody and their two kids since Christmas...
...and
...uh
getting dumped.

(It's funny, it's kind of like saying '...yeah, I took nearly four months to build this amazing replica of the great wall of China in sugarcubes, and it was all done, and boy was it a beauty... and then, well, there was this flood, see, and all the cubes melted, and then there were all these bees attracted to sugar-water, so I got stung up a lot, and then the sun came out, dried up the sugar-water, the wind came up, blew away the bees, and I'm just sitting here kinda sorta in front of the cameras with a bunch of welts and stuff, smiling and waving...

There's no real evidence, I suppose.

I guess a lot of things in life are like that.

There have been changes, though.

Groups...
-Me 'n groups...
There were a bunch of groups I was a part of when I first moved here...
In all honesty, they've been interesting to know, have had good people in them, ---but have had some pretty unusual aspects to them that kind of 'ruled me out,' by way of really thinking of stuff after a while.
-One was all about peace, -but had issues with Christians in general (though they were a Christian Group... that was a bit odd,) So I really havn't been a part of them since the writing was on the wall, so to speak.
-Another was all about riding bicycles and making the public 'aware,' of bicycles to traffic, and was supposed to do some sort of 'co-existance,' thing with cars on the road... (I already have ridden bikes on the road since I was a small boy... I know how to deal with cars... (PS) cars are bigger and heavier and usually aren't to be screwed with...)
Same-Said group (here,) was not just about 'presence,' but about picking fights with traffic... (I don't know if some of these people really had a death wish or what... but there was clearly more of a desire to irritate car and truck drivers, (which jeopardized the whole lot,) ---resulting in a lot of hairy experiences...
I guess it was somewhere in the Fall of '06 or so... maybe later, that I decided that I just didn't want to be a part of such things...

Surgery...
(Not as a result of the bike group... but as a result of the accident where I was tail-ended by two vehicles in the fall of '05, shortly after moving here...)
-The surgery was actually a year ago this past January...
Same said surgery (quite successful, actually,) worked out just dandy... (My Right Shoulder works like a champ, I have strength, no pain... gotta love it, (there was a torn muscle that was mis-diagnosed... as well as some probs with the shoulder socket...)

-But same said surgery really put me behind in work a good five to six months...
I got to building bicycles and equipment for (now two) different companies here in Fresno about a year ago,,,-and that's kept food on the table and such,(thankfully.)
--But a lot of the woodworking stuff and other work has been sort of edged out due to the bike and equipment building...
---Actually, am looking to wrap up a LOT of those projects by the end of the month before it gets too awful hot...

That magic time where I really couldn't work, and was sorta just in a 'green stage,' for the post-surgery actually was better defined as Rogue 2007.
(Yep... THAT was why I could devote so many hours and such to just 'being there.' I really couldn't do much else... It was fun, it was Rogue, it was great...

That whole situaiton, however really changed.
(Not the 'it was fun,' part..
It remains one of the nicer times here in Fresno, and I met some excellent people, saw some great stuff done live, -got to be a part of the action... yippeee.

But over the year, as work increased, the shoulder came back, more and more stuff began to happen, ---and it was clear, a ways off, that I'd have (prolly,) one last shot at a decent edumacation, (with the accident came attorneys, and with attorneys came a bit of '...my client deserves to be compensated for (both of y'alls) stupidity...'
And sure enough... as of last fall... Things finally wound down, a lot of bills got paid and yours truly had a lot of decisions to make about life...

Needless to say, the Rogue 2008 (and many many rogues afterwards) went and shall go on without me ('natch) though there were lovely offers of '...uh, you got time, there bub? we need ya?)

To which, I usually had to say '...no, really sorry, but.... no.'
---Which REALLY got punted out of the park (as) said (former) girlfriend was literally moving from place to place, and doing a lot of work RIGHT during Rogue...

I was able to put up a few posters, hand out flyers to Starbucks and such, and catch a few shows...
(APJ's being one, Mia's, and Lord knows who elses... I think that may have been it...)
Even wrote about some of them... (short-tight-blurbs, each... as we know I'm not one much for talkin... (hee).')

But the whole thing was lost in a blizzard of really enjoying domestic life and being dedicated to a woman and her two kids...
(I know, I know, if it wasn't sad, it'd be heartwarming...)

But the whole thing, actually...

Has been a lot of contemplation and asking God what He'd have me do with my time.
(Hey now, there's a hard right turn, dontcha know... and a religious one at that...)

I need to back up a bit...
Not as far back as the surgery, but actually to about six weeks ago...

I was standing and talking with a neighbor who is a good friend of mine who has been involved with a group that cares for the poor and needy.
Turns out they also were from 40 minutes up the (only) road from back where I lived before I moved here in the hills of lower NY state...
Amazing person, very level headed, and a great friend, (I'll miss her.)

She had this friend standing with her.
He was a fellow I've met a few times, great guy, a fellow person of faith (the three of us are believers,) and we had this very very candid conversation about Fresno and the state of the place...
Among other things, including his feeling that there is one seriously messed up spirit that hovers over the town (I'm not into the whole 'territorial spirits' thing, but I definitely see his point...)
He, upon finding that I write, that people read, that I speak and folks sort of react (good and bad,) was like:
'...Then Eric, you need to speak up, you need to exercise that gift, you need to tell the truth, because that is what God gave you to say, and if you don't that'd be wrong... you can't let things just shut you up, you need to be yourself, you need to say it like it is... I can really see that the Lord has given you something, and I feel strongly that I need to convey this to you...'
...Now, He and I are both Charasmatic.
...Now, He and I don't both know this.
...and He and I have had plenty of 'weird times o the spirit,' where God is supposed to be talking (according to brother so and so,) but in reality? It was just the chili...
But this wasn't weird.
Bolt from the blue? Yeah...
But not weird.

He had no idea what I was going through, He barely knows me from a box of rocks...
(The next day he moved to Kansas, by the way...)
My friend moved (back home) a week later...

That was said to me right at the time when I had given my girlfriend the letter, asking her about some things that were worrying me, --of which I was also trying to 'be sensitive,' in writing it out... ----because it was something that we just weren't able to talk about...
-So what this guy was saying really was hitting home.

Further?
There have been a few friendships, and situations where very clearly people were getting all pissed off at what I was saying.
-Everything from length of comments, to content at hand.
(It was nearly a couple of years ago, now, but I actually got death threats for some of the stuff I was talking about... It all settled down... but...)


That sort of had an impact on me...

I was like '...gee, if I say what I am seeing here, and speak openly about it, I'm gonna loose friends, and I don't want to loose friends....'

(...ya ever notice 'friends,' like that aren't really friends anyway?)

Despite the 'outspoken,' nature of so many people and situations in Fresno... there still are things that people 'just don't say.'
There is a lot of 'status quo.'
There is a lot of 'going along to get along.'
And there is not a lot of questioning or really dealing with a lot of issues, (socially and such,) ---and I've never really been good with that.

I see it in churches, social groups... all over.
I don't know if it's a Midwestern thing or not...
But, despite all best efforts, I tend to cross the grain, and usually it's simply an issue of people talking, me listening, and me asking questions about what I've been hearing... (it tends to snowball from there..)

I don't worry about it so much anymore...

Okay, that's a lie.

With the girlfriend?
I was starting to worry about it a lot.


She went to this church (a big one,) and it had some strange views..
She also works for it.

has her 'tithe,' taken out by direct deposit.
She has a lot of friends there...
It's sorta her life.
It's very her life...

Me?
I was sitting there, objectively looking at the good and the bad of what was being preached, and wanting to talk about it?
And found that there was 'no bad to be discussed.'

It's a local thing, actually.
This area is unreal with it's loyalties...

and one doth not raise a paw in question or woe, ---even when the question goes out 'so whattya think? I want real feedback...'
--What that usually means is: '...Tell me how great you think this idea and my insights are...'

I've never been good with that either...
I mean, despite the sardonic angle of a lot of my thoughts... I do believe in encouraging things to grow and do better, and see the good where it is.. (and overlook the bad if it's senseless to point it out...)
But this was getting more and more 'just don't say anything...'

The letter said something... It asked more about something, anything, ---but it 'went there.'
-Hence the Email 'gubbye..'

So..
Back to the conversation with the fella on the parking garage apron (my friends friend who moved to Kansas...)

I was sitting there, yet again, being told very clearly
'...You need to be yourself, you need to talk, you need to be direct, you need to deal with the truth, you need to quite playing to the room, you need to just be honest, and if people don't like it or get it, too bad...'

And he was right.

It wasn't '...here, this is a license to go be a schmuck and arrogant.'
It was: '...tell the truth, or be just another liar...'

Next day came the Email...

So, yeah, church and stuff...

My (own) church (denom) has completely blown apart.
I mean, out here in this area it was going that way anyhow, (no signs of this happening back east, btw...)

It's been a while now, actually.
But the (former) Bishop, who ran the Diocese like an arcane Mysogenistic Homophobic (and that was on a good day,) personal platoon...
Up and left with most of the churches (leaving, I think, 5? (where there used to be over 50?) to comprise the Diocese of the SanJoaquin Valley...

I think it's a couple of hundred miles (give or take) all around that nearly every other Episcopal Church CEASED being Episcopal because of two things:
-They didn't like gay folks (particularly if they were in leadership and 'out.'
-They didn't like women as leaders.
(Both of these things are considered 'normal,' in most of the rest of the country adn Canada, ---especially the 'women in leadership' thing... THAT's been a done deal for decades...)

It's been the aftermath of something pretty awful..

I mean, on the one hand, you have the relief of people standing around shaking their heads and clucking their tongues saying how 'liberal, misguided, and into an 'alien gospel that denies Christ,' --all the time... (really gravelled my mustard, lemme tell ya.)

-But I'm sort of used to Church Splits and stuff like that. (The denoms I was in growing up, had splits every once in a while... it hurts, but you learn to go on...)

Here, there were people, beautiful old folks, young folks, folks who'd never dream of crossing anyone out of fellowship (Episcopalians just don't do that... we include anyone... we want anyone to be in fellowship with Christ, and welcome everybody, EVERYBODY...)
---well, a lot of these folks, who in some cases had their churches shut down and sold off (by the former Bishop,) were and are really busted up by the whole deal...
What's left of the Diocese is actually starting to settle down.
People are finally starting to feel like: '...okay, there has been an amputation, but the shelling has stopped...'
-And some of these churches are finally just beginning to sort out, come out of the whole surgery-w/o-anesthesia sort of thing,,, and are beginning to warm up and hold each other once again...
I think I may have found one of them that would be a nice fit about an hour south of here...
Small group.
Very community oriented (they feed 3 to 400 poor folks lunch each day...) and they like anybody, read the Bible, and are trying to be there for each other and grow in Christ... (what not to love...)

I was part of a local congregation, but this was during the time of the splitting off, (they remained too,) but there was (again,) a real awkwardness, as their communication style was quite a bit more reserved in a sense, and some really unfortunate discussions happened between the priest and myself (unrelated to the church, actually,) which sort of closed the door there...

So... for the first time in like, months.. I've been hitting some local churches on a semi-regular basis, and it's been good.
I don't know if I'll ever really feel 'at home,' in any one particular church for some time... but things are defnitely welcoming on some pretty good levels...

Which brings me to Hosea and Joel...
(Bible Books.)

There is this sense of some beliefs that what is taken from you in life, you don't need and will make you stronger.

(Folks go quoting Ghandi and all... some go quoting James Bond
'...that which does not kill you, makes you breakfast....')

I'll let those who espouse and believe other religions have their own thoughts on it..

But over the past few Sundays, I've been sitting in on a little local church that is notorious for exogetical and verse by verse studies through the Bible (unheard of, actually... usually, most pastors are 'topical,' and you get to have reprocessed 'their thoughts,' on stuff, ---rather than just reading it and thinking of it...

Hosea and Joel are (rather short) books in the Bible where there is a clear emphasis upon the relationship of people (with) and (without) God.
More exactly, it gets into the whole dynamic of when somebody is 'one of God's, --and then sort of strays off and follows after other things...

Pretty eye openning stuff, actually.

Hosea speaks clearly of the results of Israel (at a time of her life when she had made some really bad govt. business deals with rival nations that meant her no good,) --was about to suffer tremendously, -as a result of those decisions...
God was spelling out clearly what the consequences were, as well as His displeasure at her (the nations) behavior... ----yet in the end it's really clear that, should the nation turn and change from the direction they were headed in, --there would be blessing by the ton...

Joel...
Now Joel sort of starts out with a very very interesting passage about (at least) 4 different types of locusts that are about to do a real number on the people of God...
(Sorta like the lines in 'Raising Arizona,' '...and after we ate the last of the chickens, we ate the goat, and after the last of the goat, we ate the horse, and after the last of the horse, we ate crawdads, and after the last of the crawdads, we ate sand....'
'...you ate SAND??'
)

The passage in Joel talks of these locusts who swarm in and eat the big stuff, and then when they're done, there are the ones who eat the little stuff, and then when they are done, there are those who eat the stuff underground and everything else, ---even those who are apparently 'licking,' things... -but in actuality stripping things away...
---But it's a very very very thorough picture of how very very thorough the destruction is...
The Locusts are sorta like Leprosy... they are a plague.
They are metaphors for sin.

Sin... (for those of you who are unitiated with the word,) is an old English archery term for 'falling short,' or 'missing the mark.'

It's interesting, but in Hosea (the previous book,) there was a situaiton explained where people, who did not want a literal breathing relationship with God on God's terms, ---had made little idols (actually in the shape of calfs) and called them 'God.'
---they did the same thing in a way with the Brass Serpent that was lifted up on a stake when the Hebrews were off in the desert (there were these serpents running around biting folks, ---all they had to do was look to the brass serpent lifted up on the staff, -and they were healed. (This is where we get the medical symbol from btw..)
---Well, somebody took the brass serpent and made a separate 'god,' of it, and was worshipping 'it,' instead... (a prophet/reformer later on took it, broke it in pieces, and said 'ne houshtan,' ('...just a thing of brass...') ---to which they found the pieces and made another idol...

-But God was saying in Hosea
'...if you turn from these stupid little idols (which cannot save you,) and look to me, you'll be blessed, you'll be cared for by a God who cares, you'll not be pouring yourself out and trashing yourself on some stupid thing that you made... come to Me instead, I've got a way better deal...'

In Joel?,
A similar situation just shows how thorough the destruction and devestation that looking to other things (instead of God,) can be...

I remember before I moved here to Fresno, in the spring of '05 there were horrible floods right at my house...
the water was up, about 4 ft. in my neighbors place.. and we had just had floods the year before too...
But the floods this year were unreal... the water stretched as far out as (approx) half a mile, were easily twenty to thirty feet deep, blocked off the road (I had to hike back in the woods to get home,)
No power, no phone... water to the base of the stairs at the bottom of the deck...
One of my cars was down lower on the road (the 64 comet), and the water was up over it's nose, (water down into the cockpit, etc...) basically half the car was underwater...
Water up in the engine, the glovebox... everywhere.. water up through everything...

When it all dried out, it was amazing how everyplace possible, the water went.
Not to mention, mud, grass, leaves, critters, (not many snakes, it was a massive snow-melt.)

Just like those locusts...
The whole idea was: the things that you focus on, the things that hold you, the things that you hold onto... if they're idols and if they're not seen and held as God wants you to see and hold them?
It goes bad... It gets into everything,,, you feel it everywhere,,, and if you build your world around it, it will tear everything out, when it's pulled out...

The 'locusts,' as well had another aspect.
There were obvious destructive ones that would chew and bite and grind... (okay, bad, no fun, stay away from them...)
But there were other ones that seemingly were doing nothing wrong, and even had an effect that was sort of 'pleasurable,' ---yet were killing stuff...

That whole 'locusts,' thing sort of got me...

I mean, when you start talking about the effects of 'sin,' in a life, you're talking about the effects of doing something, or allowing things that really are not what God wants for you, to exist...
('Sin,' as it is usually understood is like, um, I dunno,
robbing banks,
saying nasty things to your gramma,
looking at girlie mags,
smoking...
-you know 'Sin.'
The sort of stuff you expect a Nun to swat you for, -even if you're a protestant.

----but 'sin,' in reality is simply 'all that falls short of God's gift and desire for us...'
It can be us trying to even lead a 'good,' or 'pure,' or 'holy,' or 'godly,' life...
If it's something 'we're' trying to drum up and make happen?
Sin.
If it's something we're seeing incorrectly?
still Sin...

And the real truth about 'Sin,' and how God feels about it?
He's not upset at us for 'sinning,'
He's upset that the 'sin,' is ripping us off, and damaging us.
He's upset that it's not what we need, nor what's good for us...
THAT's what has Him upset..
Not that we goof up or get stuff wrong,
--but the effects of this on us, and the damage it does...

If the relationship of God to man is (purely) something that originates and comes from God as a gift,
--and is alive and something direct and based upon our trusting, being open, and following God's lead...
----pretty easily, when we take things into our own hands, we wind up doing something called 'sin.'
It could even be sort of 'well-meaninged,' in a way, ---as it can be a distraction, it could be something not timed properly... it could even be a past experience with God, ---but not where He wants us at now... (the serpent on the stick thing, for example...)

I do know this, God is very into 'personal,' relationships with us...
I don't sense a whole lot of 'surrogate,' and 'greatest hits,' sort of mindset...
You need something today? God gives you what you need today, (not what you needed yesterday, --and often not what you're going to need two weeks from now... ---but today...

The 'understanding,' of things (now?)
Interestingly enough, the crux of the relationship with God is 'Trust in the Lord with all your Heart, lean NOT on your own understanding,,, in ALL your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight, don't worry...'

Doing the math...
Considering it all..

The Pastor this evening said something that sort of struck me...
'...If God gives you something, and it's really of God,
and you're really handling it as God wants you to handle it,
then when He takes it from you, you should be okay with it...'

That sort of blew me away...

I mean, personally... since the relationship ended (rather untimely for my tastes,) I've been sort of dumbfounded...
But the truth of the matter is, aside from feelings and all, ---I'm supposed to trust God, and see it as something where, '...okay, God gave me this relationship, He have me this woman and her kids, and I love them with my whole heart... -and now, for whatever reason, He's taken them away...'

I need to keep this in perspective.

Where the relationship and marriage to Christien (the woman who I moved here to marry,) ran out,

He gave me Fresno (I still don't know quite how to thank Him for that...)
Where (various other) situations here have run out,

(or run their course, or revealed as things I really don't want to be a part of,)
He gave me insight and (healthier) situations...

Where this most recent relationship has run out...
He's given me Himself,
---and is telling me not to make this situation an idol...
He's showing me how thoroughly this has had an effect, and just how thorougly swamped this situation has me...
(Which, I guess if you love somebody completely, yeah... it's all through you...)

But just like the books of Hosea and Joel talk about (not) looking to idols and (not) seeing things as I want to see them, ---but as God does...
-There will be blessing,

there will be healing,

and even what the locusts have ravaged, ---God can heal that too...


This ties in beautifully with Job (a book which my former girlfriends church was just starting to go into... (not well, but they were at least poking around,) just before she, uh, kicked me to the curb...

And let me tell you...

when you live in a town as small as Fresno, and you do everything that there is to do here, with a woman and her two kids...

Everything EVERYTHING reminds you of them, and goes all through you, and feels like the locusts eating all that there is, ---with nothing more

---and even STILL there is more being chewed...

It's a strange thing...
All the good and all the bad sort of is on fire at once...

All the more reason to just give it to God, and be like... '...okay, okay, I get it, create in me a heart that sees this, and holds this like you want me to, ---because, as I'm seeing it now, it's far too devestating,,, I need to trust you, God.'

And that... in a nutshell
Has been Fresno.

Kind of a hot wilderness one minute.
Cold, foggy and isolating the next,
Things shapeshifting and being revealed in all sorts of unexpeceted ways the next...
And me, somebody who is not just supposed to be wandering around all muffled and 'gollly-gee,' about it... ---but clearly speaking about what I know to be true, as well as what is helping me, (and who is helping me,)
-as the more and more folks I talk to, the more I hear that what I'm going through is not unique.

Good people.
Not so good people.
But lots of people that God has put in my life for His reasons.
Sometimes for reasons only he knows...


Oh yeah...
And I'm trying to get into Nursing School... (but that's for another entry...)