No, I didn't die.
I so have not remembered how to post on this site...
(I know, I know, 'soon as this thing pops up, poor Lime and K are gonna have a stroke... (ladies I'm sorry... I have gotten your notes here and there, know that you've been in my prayers, as have your families, --I've not been on Blogger in a dogs age... (no disresepct to 'Dog.')
I guess an update is in order.
We're, what... five months into the year?
It doesn't feel that long, but we're getting into the heat over here in Fresno, (up over a hundred during the weekend... funny, learn to work with the stuff, and you just sort of walk out, and it picks you up and floats you along.. (until you actually swoon from it, and almost fall over (that AC to Heat transfer thing... gotta love it...)
I keep my townhouse at about 72 degrees... (I like cooler weather,,, I know, I moved to the wrong place...)
The car that I bought last fall actually has airconditioning (not that there's anything wrong with a pickup that is 35 years old that doesn't... ---that said pickup has a big-block Ford motor in it, ---that 'had things done,' by a stockcar racer so he could tow his car on a trailer AND have a camper on the back... means that the ol' girl gets something like six or seven miles to the gallon (empty.)
Needless to say, my Jetta gets tons more use... (over thirty miles on the highway, 'high twenties around town...)
Where to start:
Okay:
Romance front:
Long and short of it?
There isn't any.
(yeah, I know, moans and gasps with that... (and not the sort of moans and gasps one would hope to have associated with 'romance,' either.)
There is a woman who came in to buy a bicycle for her daughter just prior to Christmas.
We struck up a conversation, proceeded to blow each other away, and fell madly in love... Pretty much lock, stock, and barrell.
That was an all intensive thing, with a total reorienting of life for yours truly, as the holidays came and went, she was prepped to move (from an apartment to a house that she had just bought two blocks away from me,,,)
The actual move.
The working on the thing and tons of unpacking and such...
Which brought us to Easter.
(I've always maintained my own place, not the 'shacking up,' sort, actually, (neither is she,) but it was sort of a every-day talking to, being with as much as possible including church sort of thing, and we were both convinced that this was something God had really brought on, headed towards being together forever, etc. etc.
A week after Easter, things just felt funny, and not ha-hah funny.
Aftetr a long letter, explaining my concerns, and asking if she wanted to talk about it, I got an Email saying that it was over... (coupla days she called to apologize for the Email aspect of it, but basically she was done.)
Still don't know what happened.
I have my feelings on it.
But, for whatever the reasons: I've not heard from her since then... (have written a couple of letters, and DO live like, two blocks away...)
It's been pretty intense.
I really loved her kids, really loved her, --and truth be told, still do love her.
But it is what it is.
On THAT cheery note...
Well, a lot has been happening in life.
Like...
...um
Devoting yourself to somebody and their two kids since Christmas...
...and
...uh
getting dumped.
(It's funny, it's kind of like saying '...yeah, I took nearly four months to build this amazing replica of the great wall of China in sugarcubes, and it was all done, and boy was it a beauty... and then, well, there was this flood, see, and all the cubes melted, and then there were all these bees attracted to sugar-water, so I got stung up a lot, and then the sun came out, dried up the sugar-water, the wind came up, blew away the bees, and I'm just sitting here kinda sorta in front of the cameras with a bunch of welts and stuff, smiling and waving...
There's no real evidence, I suppose.
I guess a lot of things in life are like that.
There have been changes, though.
Groups...
-Me 'n groups...
There were a bunch of groups I was a part of when I first moved here...
In all honesty, they've been interesting to know, have had good people in them, ---but have had some pretty unusual aspects to them that kind of 'ruled me out,' by way of really thinking of stuff after a while.
(I know, I know, 'soon as this thing pops up, poor Lime and K are gonna have a stroke... (ladies I'm sorry... I have gotten your notes here and there, know that you've been in my prayers, as have your families, --I've not been on Blogger in a dogs age... (no disresepct to 'Dog.')
I guess an update is in order.
We're, what... five months into the year?
It doesn't feel that long, but we're getting into the heat over here in Fresno, (up over a hundred during the weekend... funny, learn to work with the stuff, and you just sort of walk out, and it picks you up and floats you along.. (until you actually swoon from it, and almost fall over (that AC to Heat transfer thing... gotta love it...)
I keep my townhouse at about 72 degrees... (I like cooler weather,,, I know, I moved to the wrong place...)
The car that I bought last fall actually has airconditioning (not that there's anything wrong with a pickup that is 35 years old that doesn't... ---that said pickup has a big-block Ford motor in it, ---that 'had things done,' by a stockcar racer so he could tow his car on a trailer AND have a camper on the back... means that the ol' girl gets something like six or seven miles to the gallon (empty.)
Needless to say, my Jetta gets tons more use... (over thirty miles on the highway, 'high twenties around town...)
Where to start:
Okay:
Romance front:
Long and short of it?
There isn't any.
(yeah, I know, moans and gasps with that... (and not the sort of moans and gasps one would hope to have associated with 'romance,' either.)
There is a woman who came in to buy a bicycle for her daughter just prior to Christmas.
We struck up a conversation, proceeded to blow each other away, and fell madly in love... Pretty much lock, stock, and barrell.
That was an all intensive thing, with a total reorienting of life for yours truly, as the holidays came and went, she was prepped to move (from an apartment to a house that she had just bought two blocks away from me,,,)
The actual move.
The working on the thing and tons of unpacking and such...
Which brought us to Easter.
(I've always maintained my own place, not the 'shacking up,' sort, actually, (neither is she,) but it was sort of a every-day talking to, being with as much as possible including church sort of thing, and we were both convinced that this was something God had really brought on, headed towards being together forever, etc. etc.
A week after Easter, things just felt funny, and not ha-hah funny.
Aftetr a long letter, explaining my concerns, and asking if she wanted to talk about it, I got an Email saying that it was over... (coupla days she called to apologize for the Email aspect of it, but basically she was done.)
Still don't know what happened.
I have my feelings on it.
But, for whatever the reasons: I've not heard from her since then... (have written a couple of letters, and DO live like, two blocks away...)
It's been pretty intense.
I really loved her kids, really loved her, --and truth be told, still do love her.
But it is what it is.
On THAT cheery note...
Well, a lot has been happening in life.
Like...
...um
Devoting yourself to somebody and their two kids since Christmas...
...and
...uh
getting dumped.
(It's funny, it's kind of like saying '...yeah, I took nearly four months to build this amazing replica of the great wall of China in sugarcubes, and it was all done, and boy was it a beauty... and then, well, there was this flood, see, and all the cubes melted, and then there were all these bees attracted to sugar-water, so I got stung up a lot, and then the sun came out, dried up the sugar-water, the wind came up, blew away the bees, and I'm just sitting here kinda sorta in front of the cameras with a bunch of welts and stuff, smiling and waving...
There's no real evidence, I suppose.
I guess a lot of things in life are like that.
There have been changes, though.
Groups...
-Me 'n groups...
There were a bunch of groups I was a part of when I first moved here...
In all honesty, they've been interesting to know, have had good people in them, ---but have had some pretty unusual aspects to them that kind of 'ruled me out,' by way of really thinking of stuff after a while.
-One was all about peace, -but had issues with Christians in general (though they were a Christian Group... that was a bit odd,) So I really havn't been a part of them since the writing was on the wall, so to speak.
-Another was all about riding bicycles and making the public 'aware,' of bicycles to traffic, and was supposed to do some sort of 'co-existance,' thing with cars on the road... (I already have ridden bikes on the road since I was a small boy... I know how to deal with cars... (PS) cars are bigger and heavier and usually aren't to be screwed with...)
Same-Said group (here,) was not just about 'presence,' but about picking fights with traffic... (I don't know if some of these people really had a death wish or what... but there was clearly more of a desire to irritate car and truck drivers, (which jeopardized the whole lot,) ---resulting in a lot of hairy experiences...
I guess it was somewhere in the Fall of '06 or so... maybe later, that I decided that I just didn't want to be a part of such things...
Surgery...
(Not as a result of the bike group... but as a result of the accident where I was tail-ended by two vehicles in the fall of '05, shortly after moving here...)
-The surgery was actually a year ago this past January...
Same said surgery (quite successful, actually,) worked out just dandy... (My Right Shoulder works like a champ, I have strength, no pain... gotta love it, (there was a torn muscle that was mis-diagnosed... as well as some probs with the shoulder socket...)
-But same said surgery really put me behind in work a good five to six months...
I got to building bicycles and equipment for (now two) different companies here in Fresno about a year ago,,,-and that's kept food on the table and such,(thankfully.)
--But a lot of the woodworking stuff and other work has been sort of edged out due to the bike and equipment building...
---Actually, am looking to wrap up a LOT of those projects by the end of the month before it gets too awful hot...
That magic time where I really couldn't work, and was sorta just in a 'green stage,' for the post-surgery actually was better defined as Rogue 2007.
(Yep... THAT was why I could devote so many hours and such to just 'being there.' I really couldn't do much else... It was fun, it was Rogue, it was great...
That whole situaiton, however really changed.
(Not the 'it was fun,' part..
It remains one of the nicer times here in Fresno, and I met some excellent people, saw some great stuff done live, -got to be a part of the action... yippeee.
But over the year, as work increased, the shoulder came back, more and more stuff began to happen, ---and it was clear, a ways off, that I'd have (prolly,) one last shot at a decent edumacation, (with the accident came attorneys, and with attorneys came a bit of '...my client deserves to be compensated for (both of y'alls) stupidity...'
And sure enough... as of last fall... Things finally wound down, a lot of bills got paid and yours truly had a lot of decisions to make about life...
Needless to say, the Rogue 2008 (and many many rogues afterwards) went and shall go on without me ('natch) though there were lovely offers of '...uh, you got time, there bub? we need ya?)
Same-Said group (here,) was not just about 'presence,' but about picking fights with traffic... (I don't know if some of these people really had a death wish or what... but there was clearly more of a desire to irritate car and truck drivers, (which jeopardized the whole lot,) ---resulting in a lot of hairy experiences...
I guess it was somewhere in the Fall of '06 or so... maybe later, that I decided that I just didn't want to be a part of such things...
Surgery...
(Not as a result of the bike group... but as a result of the accident where I was tail-ended by two vehicles in the fall of '05, shortly after moving here...)
-The surgery was actually a year ago this past January...
Same said surgery (quite successful, actually,) worked out just dandy... (My Right Shoulder works like a champ, I have strength, no pain... gotta love it, (there was a torn muscle that was mis-diagnosed... as well as some probs with the shoulder socket...)
-But same said surgery really put me behind in work a good five to six months...
I got to building bicycles and equipment for (now two) different companies here in Fresno about a year ago,,,-and that's kept food on the table and such,(thankfully.)
--But a lot of the woodworking stuff and other work has been sort of edged out due to the bike and equipment building...
---Actually, am looking to wrap up a LOT of those projects by the end of the month before it gets too awful hot...
That magic time where I really couldn't work, and was sorta just in a 'green stage,' for the post-surgery actually was better defined as Rogue 2007.
(Yep... THAT was why I could devote so many hours and such to just 'being there.' I really couldn't do much else... It was fun, it was Rogue, it was great...
That whole situaiton, however really changed.
(Not the 'it was fun,' part..
It remains one of the nicer times here in Fresno, and I met some excellent people, saw some great stuff done live, -got to be a part of the action... yippeee.
But over the year, as work increased, the shoulder came back, more and more stuff began to happen, ---and it was clear, a ways off, that I'd have (prolly,) one last shot at a decent edumacation, (with the accident came attorneys, and with attorneys came a bit of '...my client deserves to be compensated for (both of y'alls) stupidity...'
And sure enough... as of last fall... Things finally wound down, a lot of bills got paid and yours truly had a lot of decisions to make about life...
Needless to say, the Rogue 2008 (and many many rogues afterwards) went and shall go on without me ('natch) though there were lovely offers of '...uh, you got time, there bub? we need ya?)
To which, I usually had to say '...no, really sorry, but.... no.'
---Which REALLY got punted out of the park (as) said (former) girlfriend was literally moving from place to place, and doing a lot of work RIGHT during Rogue...
I was able to put up a few posters, hand out flyers to Starbucks and such, and catch a few shows...
---Which REALLY got punted out of the park (as) said (former) girlfriend was literally moving from place to place, and doing a lot of work RIGHT during Rogue...
I was able to put up a few posters, hand out flyers to Starbucks and such, and catch a few shows...
(APJ's being one, Mia's, and Lord knows who elses... I think that may have been it...)
Even wrote about some of them... (short-tight-blurbs, each... as we know I'm not one much for talkin... (hee).')
But the whole thing was lost in a blizzard of really enjoying domestic life and being dedicated to a woman and her two kids...
(I know, I know, if it wasn't sad, it'd be heartwarming...)
But the whole thing, actually...
Has been a lot of contemplation and asking God what He'd have me do with my time.
(Hey now, there's a hard right turn, dontcha know... and a religious one at that...)
I need to back up a bit...
Not as far back as the surgery, but actually to about six weeks ago...
I was standing and talking with a neighbor who is a good friend of mine who has been involved with a group that cares for the poor and needy.
Turns out they also were from 40 minutes up the (only) road from back where I lived before I moved here in the hills of lower NY state...
Amazing person, very level headed, and a great friend, (I'll miss her.)
She had this friend standing with her.
He was a fellow I've met a few times, great guy, a fellow person of faith (the three of us are believers,) and we had this very very candid conversation about Fresno and the state of the place...
Among other things, including his feeling that there is one seriously messed up spirit that hovers over the town (I'm not into the whole 'territorial spirits' thing, but I definitely see his point...)
He, upon finding that I write, that people read, that I speak and folks sort of react (good and bad,) was like:
'...Then Eric, you need to speak up, you need to exercise that gift, you need to tell the truth, because that is what God gave you to say, and if you don't that'd be wrong... you can't let things just shut you up, you need to be yourself, you need to say it like it is... I can really see that the Lord has given you something, and I feel strongly that I need to convey this to you...'
...Now, He and I are both Charasmatic.
...Now, He and I don't both know this.
...and He and I have had plenty of 'weird times o the spirit,' where God is supposed to be talking (according to brother so and so,) but in reality? It was just the chili...
But this wasn't weird.
Bolt from the blue? Yeah...
But not weird.
Even wrote about some of them... (short-tight-blurbs, each... as we know I'm not one much for talkin... (hee).')
But the whole thing was lost in a blizzard of really enjoying domestic life and being dedicated to a woman and her two kids...
(I know, I know, if it wasn't sad, it'd be heartwarming...)
But the whole thing, actually...
Has been a lot of contemplation and asking God what He'd have me do with my time.
(Hey now, there's a hard right turn, dontcha know... and a religious one at that...)
I need to back up a bit...
Not as far back as the surgery, but actually to about six weeks ago...
I was standing and talking with a neighbor who is a good friend of mine who has been involved with a group that cares for the poor and needy.
Turns out they also were from 40 minutes up the (only) road from back where I lived before I moved here in the hills of lower NY state...
Amazing person, very level headed, and a great friend, (I'll miss her.)
She had this friend standing with her.
He was a fellow I've met a few times, great guy, a fellow person of faith (the three of us are believers,) and we had this very very candid conversation about Fresno and the state of the place...
Among other things, including his feeling that there is one seriously messed up spirit that hovers over the town (I'm not into the whole 'territorial spirits' thing, but I definitely see his point...)
He, upon finding that I write, that people read, that I speak and folks sort of react (good and bad,) was like:
'...Then Eric, you need to speak up, you need to exercise that gift, you need to tell the truth, because that is what God gave you to say, and if you don't that'd be wrong... you can't let things just shut you up, you need to be yourself, you need to say it like it is... I can really see that the Lord has given you something, and I feel strongly that I need to convey this to you...'
...Now, He and I are both Charasmatic.
...Now, He and I don't both know this.
...and He and I have had plenty of 'weird times o the spirit,' where God is supposed to be talking (according to brother so and so,) but in reality? It was just the chili...
But this wasn't weird.
Bolt from the blue? Yeah...
But not weird.
He had no idea what I was going through, He barely knows me from a box of rocks...
(The next day he moved to Kansas, by the way...)
My friend moved (back home) a week later...
That was said to me right at the time when I had given my girlfriend the letter, asking her about some things that were worrying me, --of which I was also trying to 'be sensitive,' in writing it out... ----because it was something that we just weren't able to talk about...
-So what this guy was saying really was hitting home.
Further?
There have been a few friendships, and situations where very clearly people were getting all pissed off at what I was saying.
-Everything from length of comments, to content at hand.
(It was nearly a couple of years ago, now, but I actually got death threats for some of the stuff I was talking about... It all settled down... but...)
(The next day he moved to Kansas, by the way...)
My friend moved (back home) a week later...
That was said to me right at the time when I had given my girlfriend the letter, asking her about some things that were worrying me, --of which I was also trying to 'be sensitive,' in writing it out... ----because it was something that we just weren't able to talk about...
-So what this guy was saying really was hitting home.
Further?
There have been a few friendships, and situations where very clearly people were getting all pissed off at what I was saying.
-Everything from length of comments, to content at hand.
(It was nearly a couple of years ago, now, but I actually got death threats for some of the stuff I was talking about... It all settled down... but...)
That sort of had an impact on me...
I was like '...gee, if I say what I am seeing here, and speak openly about it, I'm gonna loose friends, and I don't want to loose friends....'
(...ya ever notice 'friends,' like that aren't really friends anyway?)
Despite the 'outspoken,' nature of so many people and situations in Fresno... there still are things that people 'just don't say.'
There is a lot of 'status quo.'
There is a lot of 'going along to get along.'
And there is not a lot of questioning or really dealing with a lot of issues, (socially and such,) ---and I've never really been good with that.
I see it in churches, social groups... all over.
I don't know if it's a Midwestern thing or not...
But, despite all best efforts, I tend to cross the grain, and usually it's simply an issue of people talking, me listening, and me asking questions about what I've been hearing... (it tends to snowball from there..)
I don't worry about it so much anymore...
Okay, that's a lie.
With the girlfriend?
I was starting to worry about it a lot.
She went to this church (a big one,) and it had some strange views..
She also works for it.
Despite the 'outspoken,' nature of so many people and situations in Fresno... there still are things that people 'just don't say.'
There is a lot of 'status quo.'
There is a lot of 'going along to get along.'
And there is not a lot of questioning or really dealing with a lot of issues, (socially and such,) ---and I've never really been good with that.
I see it in churches, social groups... all over.
I don't know if it's a Midwestern thing or not...
But, despite all best efforts, I tend to cross the grain, and usually it's simply an issue of people talking, me listening, and me asking questions about what I've been hearing... (it tends to snowball from there..)
I don't worry about it so much anymore...
Okay, that's a lie.
With the girlfriend?
I was starting to worry about it a lot.
She went to this church (a big one,) and it had some strange views..
She also works for it.
has her 'tithe,' taken out by direct deposit.
She has a lot of friends there...
It's sorta her life.
She has a lot of friends there...
It's sorta her life.
It's very her life...
Me?
I was sitting there, objectively looking at the good and the bad of what was being preached, and wanting to talk about it?
And found that there was 'no bad to be discussed.'
It's a local thing, actually.
This area is unreal with it's loyalties...
Me?
I was sitting there, objectively looking at the good and the bad of what was being preached, and wanting to talk about it?
And found that there was 'no bad to be discussed.'
It's a local thing, actually.
This area is unreal with it's loyalties...
and one doth not raise a paw in question or woe, ---even when the question goes out 'so whattya think? I want real feedback...'
--What that usually means is: '...Tell me how great you think this idea and my insights are...'
I've never been good with that either...
I mean, despite the sardonic angle of a lot of my thoughts... I do believe in encouraging things to grow and do better, and see the good where it is.. (and overlook the bad if it's senseless to point it out...)
But this was getting more and more 'just don't say anything...'
The letter said something... It asked more about something, anything, ---but it 'went there.'
-Hence the Email 'gubbye..'
So..
Back to the conversation with the fella on the parking garage apron (my friends friend who moved to Kansas...)
I was sitting there, yet again, being told very clearly
--What that usually means is: '...Tell me how great you think this idea and my insights are...'
I've never been good with that either...
I mean, despite the sardonic angle of a lot of my thoughts... I do believe in encouraging things to grow and do better, and see the good where it is.. (and overlook the bad if it's senseless to point it out...)
But this was getting more and more 'just don't say anything...'
The letter said something... It asked more about something, anything, ---but it 'went there.'
-Hence the Email 'gubbye..'
So..
Back to the conversation with the fella on the parking garage apron (my friends friend who moved to Kansas...)
I was sitting there, yet again, being told very clearly
'...You need to be yourself, you need to talk, you need to be direct, you need to deal with the truth, you need to quite playing to the room, you need to just be honest, and if people don't like it or get it, too bad...'
And he was right.
It wasn't '...here, this is a license to go be a schmuck and arrogant.'
It was: '...tell the truth, or be just another liar...'
Next day came the Email...
So, yeah, church and stuff...
My (own) church (denom) has completely blown apart.
I mean, out here in this area it was going that way anyhow, (no signs of this happening back east, btw...)
It's been a while now, actually.
But the (former) Bishop, who ran the Diocese like an arcane Mysogenistic Homophobic (and that was on a good day,) personal platoon...
Up and left with most of the churches (leaving, I think, 5? (where there used to be over 50?) to comprise the Diocese of the SanJoaquin Valley...
I think it's a couple of hundred miles (give or take) all around that nearly every other Episcopal Church CEASED being Episcopal because of two things:
-They didn't like gay folks (particularly if they were in leadership and 'out.'
-They didn't like women as leaders.
(Both of these things are considered 'normal,' in most of the rest of the country adn Canada, ---especially the 'women in leadership' thing... THAT's been a done deal for decades...)
It's been the aftermath of something pretty awful..
I mean, on the one hand, you have the relief of people standing around shaking their heads and clucking their tongues saying how 'liberal, misguided, and into an 'alien gospel that denies Christ,' --all the time... (really gravelled my mustard, lemme tell ya.)
-But I'm sort of used to Church Splits and stuff like that. (The denoms I was in growing up, had splits every once in a while... it hurts, but you learn to go on...)
Here, there were people, beautiful old folks, young folks, folks who'd never dream of crossing anyone out of fellowship (Episcopalians just don't do that... we include anyone... we want anyone to be in fellowship with Christ, and welcome everybody, EVERYBODY...)
---well, a lot of these folks, who in some cases had their churches shut down and sold off (by the former Bishop,) were and are really busted up by the whole deal...
What's left of the Diocese is actually starting to settle down.
People are finally starting to feel like: '...okay, there has been an amputation, but the shelling has stopped...'
-And some of these churches are finally just beginning to sort out, come out of the whole surgery-w/o-anesthesia sort of thing,,, and are beginning to warm up and hold each other once again...
I think I may have found one of them that would be a nice fit about an hour south of here...
Small group.
Very community oriented (they feed 3 to 400 poor folks lunch each day...) and they like anybody, read the Bible, and are trying to be there for each other and grow in Christ... (what not to love...)
I was part of a local congregation, but this was during the time of the splitting off, (they remained too,) but there was (again,) a real awkwardness, as their communication style was quite a bit more reserved in a sense, and some really unfortunate discussions happened between the priest and myself (unrelated to the church, actually,) which sort of closed the door there...
So... for the first time in like, months.. I've been hitting some local churches on a semi-regular basis, and it's been good.
I don't know if I'll ever really feel 'at home,' in any one particular church for some time... but things are defnitely welcoming on some pretty good levels...
Which brings me to Hosea and Joel...
(Bible Books.)
There is this sense of some beliefs that what is taken from you in life, you don't need and will make you stronger.
And he was right.
It wasn't '...here, this is a license to go be a schmuck and arrogant.'
It was: '...tell the truth, or be just another liar...'
Next day came the Email...
So, yeah, church and stuff...
My (own) church (denom) has completely blown apart.
I mean, out here in this area it was going that way anyhow, (no signs of this happening back east, btw...)
It's been a while now, actually.
But the (former) Bishop, who ran the Diocese like an arcane Mysogenistic Homophobic (and that was on a good day,) personal platoon...
Up and left with most of the churches (leaving, I think, 5? (where there used to be over 50?) to comprise the Diocese of the SanJoaquin Valley...
I think it's a couple of hundred miles (give or take) all around that nearly every other Episcopal Church CEASED being Episcopal because of two things:
-They didn't like gay folks (particularly if they were in leadership and 'out.'
-They didn't like women as leaders.
(Both of these things are considered 'normal,' in most of the rest of the country adn Canada, ---especially the 'women in leadership' thing... THAT's been a done deal for decades...)
It's been the aftermath of something pretty awful..
I mean, on the one hand, you have the relief of people standing around shaking their heads and clucking their tongues saying how 'liberal, misguided, and into an 'alien gospel that denies Christ,' --all the time... (really gravelled my mustard, lemme tell ya.)
-But I'm sort of used to Church Splits and stuff like that. (The denoms I was in growing up, had splits every once in a while... it hurts, but you learn to go on...)
Here, there were people, beautiful old folks, young folks, folks who'd never dream of crossing anyone out of fellowship (Episcopalians just don't do that... we include anyone... we want anyone to be in fellowship with Christ, and welcome everybody, EVERYBODY...)
---well, a lot of these folks, who in some cases had their churches shut down and sold off (by the former Bishop,) were and are really busted up by the whole deal...
What's left of the Diocese is actually starting to settle down.
People are finally starting to feel like: '...okay, there has been an amputation, but the shelling has stopped...'
-And some of these churches are finally just beginning to sort out, come out of the whole surgery-w/o-anesthesia sort of thing,,, and are beginning to warm up and hold each other once again...
I think I may have found one of them that would be a nice fit about an hour south of here...
Small group.
Very community oriented (they feed 3 to 400 poor folks lunch each day...) and they like anybody, read the Bible, and are trying to be there for each other and grow in Christ... (what not to love...)
I was part of a local congregation, but this was during the time of the splitting off, (they remained too,) but there was (again,) a real awkwardness, as their communication style was quite a bit more reserved in a sense, and some really unfortunate discussions happened between the priest and myself (unrelated to the church, actually,) which sort of closed the door there...
So... for the first time in like, months.. I've been hitting some local churches on a semi-regular basis, and it's been good.
I don't know if I'll ever really feel 'at home,' in any one particular church for some time... but things are defnitely welcoming on some pretty good levels...
Which brings me to Hosea and Joel...
(Bible Books.)
There is this sense of some beliefs that what is taken from you in life, you don't need and will make you stronger.
(Folks go quoting Ghandi and all... some go quoting James Bond
'...that which does not kill you, makes you breakfast....')
I'll let those who espouse and believe other religions have their own thoughts on it..
I'll let those who espouse and believe other religions have their own thoughts on it..
But over the past few Sundays, I've been sitting in on a little local church that is notorious for exogetical and verse by verse studies through the Bible (unheard of, actually... usually, most pastors are 'topical,' and you get to have reprocessed 'their thoughts,' on stuff, ---rather than just reading it and thinking of it...
Hosea and Joel are (rather short) books in the Bible where there is a clear emphasis upon the relationship of people (with) and (without) God.
More exactly, it gets into the whole dynamic of when somebody is 'one of God's, --and then sort of strays off and follows after other things...
Pretty eye openning stuff, actually.
Hosea speaks clearly of the results of Israel (at a time of her life when she had made some really bad govt. business deals with rival nations that meant her no good,) --was about to suffer tremendously, -as a result of those decisions...
God was spelling out clearly what the consequences were, as well as His displeasure at her (the nations) behavior... ----yet in the end it's really clear that, should the nation turn and change from the direction they were headed in, --there would be blessing by the ton...
Joel...
Now Joel sort of starts out with a very very interesting passage about (at least) 4 different types of locusts that are about to do a real number on the people of God...
(Sorta like the lines in 'Raising Arizona,' '...and after we ate the last of the chickens, we ate the goat, and after the last of the goat, we ate the horse, and after the last of the horse, we ate crawdads, and after the last of the crawdads, we ate sand....'
'...you ate SAND??' )
The passage in Joel talks of these locusts who swarm in and eat the big stuff, and then when they're done, there are the ones who eat the little stuff, and then when they are done, there are those who eat the stuff underground and everything else, ---even those who are apparently 'licking,' things... -but in actuality stripping things away...
---But it's a very very very thorough picture of how very very thorough the destruction is...
The Locusts are sorta like Leprosy... they are a plague.
They are metaphors for sin.
Sin... (for those of you who are unitiated with the word,) is an old English archery term for 'falling short,' or 'missing the mark.'
It's interesting, but in Hosea (the previous book,) there was a situaiton explained where people, who did not want a literal breathing relationship with God on God's terms, ---had made little idols (actually in the shape of calfs) and called them 'God.'
---they did the same thing in a way with the Brass Serpent that was lifted up on a stake when the Hebrews were off in the desert (there were these serpents running around biting folks, ---all they had to do was look to the brass serpent lifted up on the staff, -and they were healed. (This is where we get the medical symbol from btw..)
---Well, somebody took the brass serpent and made a separate 'god,' of it, and was worshipping 'it,' instead... (a prophet/reformer later on took it, broke it in pieces, and said 'ne houshtan,' ('...just a thing of brass...') ---to which they found the pieces and made another idol...
-But God was saying in Hosea
Hosea and Joel are (rather short) books in the Bible where there is a clear emphasis upon the relationship of people (with) and (without) God.
More exactly, it gets into the whole dynamic of when somebody is 'one of God's, --and then sort of strays off and follows after other things...
Pretty eye openning stuff, actually.
Hosea speaks clearly of the results of Israel (at a time of her life when she had made some really bad govt. business deals with rival nations that meant her no good,) --was about to suffer tremendously, -as a result of those decisions...
God was spelling out clearly what the consequences were, as well as His displeasure at her (the nations) behavior... ----yet in the end it's really clear that, should the nation turn and change from the direction they were headed in, --there would be blessing by the ton...
Joel...
Now Joel sort of starts out with a very very interesting passage about (at least) 4 different types of locusts that are about to do a real number on the people of God...
(Sorta like the lines in 'Raising Arizona,' '...and after we ate the last of the chickens, we ate the goat, and after the last of the goat, we ate the horse, and after the last of the horse, we ate crawdads, and after the last of the crawdads, we ate sand....'
'...you ate SAND??' )
The passage in Joel talks of these locusts who swarm in and eat the big stuff, and then when they're done, there are the ones who eat the little stuff, and then when they are done, there are those who eat the stuff underground and everything else, ---even those who are apparently 'licking,' things... -but in actuality stripping things away...
---But it's a very very very thorough picture of how very very thorough the destruction is...
The Locusts are sorta like Leprosy... they are a plague.
They are metaphors for sin.
Sin... (for those of you who are unitiated with the word,) is an old English archery term for 'falling short,' or 'missing the mark.'
It's interesting, but in Hosea (the previous book,) there was a situaiton explained where people, who did not want a literal breathing relationship with God on God's terms, ---had made little idols (actually in the shape of calfs) and called them 'God.'
---they did the same thing in a way with the Brass Serpent that was lifted up on a stake when the Hebrews were off in the desert (there were these serpents running around biting folks, ---all they had to do was look to the brass serpent lifted up on the staff, -and they were healed. (This is where we get the medical symbol from btw..)
---Well, somebody took the brass serpent and made a separate 'god,' of it, and was worshipping 'it,' instead... (a prophet/reformer later on took it, broke it in pieces, and said 'ne houshtan,' ('...just a thing of brass...') ---to which they found the pieces and made another idol...
-But God was saying in Hosea
'...if you turn from these stupid little idols (which cannot save you,) and look to me, you'll be blessed, you'll be cared for by a God who cares, you'll not be pouring yourself out and trashing yourself on some stupid thing that you made... come to Me instead, I've got a way better deal...'
In Joel?,
A similar situation just shows how thorough the destruction and devestation that looking to other things (instead of God,) can be...
I remember before I moved here to Fresno, in the spring of '05 there were horrible floods right at my house...
the water was up, about 4 ft. in my neighbors place.. and we had just had floods the year before too...
But the floods this year were unreal... the water stretched as far out as (approx) half a mile, were easily twenty to thirty feet deep, blocked off the road (I had to hike back in the woods to get home,)
No power, no phone... water to the base of the stairs at the bottom of the deck...
One of my cars was down lower on the road (the 64 comet), and the water was up over it's nose, (water down into the cockpit, etc...) basically half the car was underwater...
Water up in the engine, the glovebox... everywhere.. water up through everything...
When it all dried out, it was amazing how everyplace possible, the water went.
Not to mention, mud, grass, leaves, critters, (not many snakes, it was a massive snow-melt.)
Just like those locusts...
The whole idea was: the things that you focus on, the things that hold you, the things that you hold onto... if they're idols and if they're not seen and held as God wants you to see and hold them?
It goes bad... It gets into everything,,, you feel it everywhere,,, and if you build your world around it, it will tear everything out, when it's pulled out...
The 'locusts,' as well had another aspect.
There were obvious destructive ones that would chew and bite and grind... (okay, bad, no fun, stay away from them...)
But there were other ones that seemingly were doing nothing wrong, and even had an effect that was sort of 'pleasurable,' ---yet were killing stuff...
That whole 'locusts,' thing sort of got me...
I mean, when you start talking about the effects of 'sin,' in a life, you're talking about the effects of doing something, or allowing things that really are not what God wants for you, to exist...
('Sin,' as it is usually understood is like, um, I dunno,
robbing banks,
saying nasty things to your gramma,
looking at girlie mags,
smoking...
-you know 'Sin.'
The sort of stuff you expect a Nun to swat you for, -even if you're a protestant.
----but 'sin,' in reality is simply 'all that falls short of God's gift and desire for us...'
It can be us trying to even lead a 'good,' or 'pure,' or 'holy,' or 'godly,' life...
If it's something 'we're' trying to drum up and make happen?
Sin.
If it's something we're seeing incorrectly?
still Sin...
And the real truth about 'Sin,' and how God feels about it?
He's not upset at us for 'sinning,'
He's upset that the 'sin,' is ripping us off, and damaging us.
He's upset that it's not what we need, nor what's good for us...
THAT's what has Him upset..
Not that we goof up or get stuff wrong,
--but the effects of this on us, and the damage it does...
If the relationship of God to man is (purely) something that originates and comes from God as a gift,
--and is alive and something direct and based upon our trusting, being open, and following God's lead...
----pretty easily, when we take things into our own hands, we wind up doing something called 'sin.'
It could even be sort of 'well-meaninged,' in a way, ---as it can be a distraction, it could be something not timed properly... it could even be a past experience with God, ---but not where He wants us at now... (the serpent on the stick thing, for example...)
I do know this, God is very into 'personal,' relationships with us...
I don't sense a whole lot of 'surrogate,' and 'greatest hits,' sort of mindset...
You need something today? God gives you what you need today, (not what you needed yesterday, --and often not what you're going to need two weeks from now... ---but today...
The 'understanding,' of things (now?)
Interestingly enough, the crux of the relationship with God is 'Trust in the Lord with all your Heart, lean NOT on your own understanding,,, in ALL your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight, don't worry...'
Doing the math...
Considering it all..
The Pastor this evening said something that sort of struck me...
'...If God gives you something, and it's really of God,
and you're really handling it as God wants you to handle it,
then when He takes it from you, you should be okay with it...'
That sort of blew me away...
I mean, personally... since the relationship ended (rather untimely for my tastes,) I've been sort of dumbfounded...
But the truth of the matter is, aside from feelings and all, ---I'm supposed to trust God, and see it as something where, '...okay, God gave me this relationship, He have me this woman and her kids, and I love them with my whole heart... -and now, for whatever reason, He's taken them away...'
I need to keep this in perspective.
Where the relationship and marriage to Christien (the woman who I moved here to marry,) ran out,
In Joel?,
A similar situation just shows how thorough the destruction and devestation that looking to other things (instead of God,) can be...
I remember before I moved here to Fresno, in the spring of '05 there were horrible floods right at my house...
the water was up, about 4 ft. in my neighbors place.. and we had just had floods the year before too...
But the floods this year were unreal... the water stretched as far out as (approx) half a mile, were easily twenty to thirty feet deep, blocked off the road (I had to hike back in the woods to get home,)
No power, no phone... water to the base of the stairs at the bottom of the deck...
One of my cars was down lower on the road (the 64 comet), and the water was up over it's nose, (water down into the cockpit, etc...) basically half the car was underwater...
Water up in the engine, the glovebox... everywhere.. water up through everything...
When it all dried out, it was amazing how everyplace possible, the water went.
Not to mention, mud, grass, leaves, critters, (not many snakes, it was a massive snow-melt.)
Just like those locusts...
The whole idea was: the things that you focus on, the things that hold you, the things that you hold onto... if they're idols and if they're not seen and held as God wants you to see and hold them?
It goes bad... It gets into everything,,, you feel it everywhere,,, and if you build your world around it, it will tear everything out, when it's pulled out...
The 'locusts,' as well had another aspect.
There were obvious destructive ones that would chew and bite and grind... (okay, bad, no fun, stay away from them...)
But there were other ones that seemingly were doing nothing wrong, and even had an effect that was sort of 'pleasurable,' ---yet were killing stuff...
That whole 'locusts,' thing sort of got me...
I mean, when you start talking about the effects of 'sin,' in a life, you're talking about the effects of doing something, or allowing things that really are not what God wants for you, to exist...
('Sin,' as it is usually understood is like, um, I dunno,
robbing banks,
saying nasty things to your gramma,
looking at girlie mags,
smoking...
-you know 'Sin.'
The sort of stuff you expect a Nun to swat you for, -even if you're a protestant.
----but 'sin,' in reality is simply 'all that falls short of God's gift and desire for us...'
It can be us trying to even lead a 'good,' or 'pure,' or 'holy,' or 'godly,' life...
If it's something 'we're' trying to drum up and make happen?
Sin.
If it's something we're seeing incorrectly?
still Sin...
And the real truth about 'Sin,' and how God feels about it?
He's not upset at us for 'sinning,'
He's upset that the 'sin,' is ripping us off, and damaging us.
He's upset that it's not what we need, nor what's good for us...
THAT's what has Him upset..
Not that we goof up or get stuff wrong,
--but the effects of this on us, and the damage it does...
If the relationship of God to man is (purely) something that originates and comes from God as a gift,
--and is alive and something direct and based upon our trusting, being open, and following God's lead...
----pretty easily, when we take things into our own hands, we wind up doing something called 'sin.'
It could even be sort of 'well-meaninged,' in a way, ---as it can be a distraction, it could be something not timed properly... it could even be a past experience with God, ---but not where He wants us at now... (the serpent on the stick thing, for example...)
I do know this, God is very into 'personal,' relationships with us...
I don't sense a whole lot of 'surrogate,' and 'greatest hits,' sort of mindset...
You need something today? God gives you what you need today, (not what you needed yesterday, --and often not what you're going to need two weeks from now... ---but today...
The 'understanding,' of things (now?)
Interestingly enough, the crux of the relationship with God is 'Trust in the Lord with all your Heart, lean NOT on your own understanding,,, in ALL your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight, don't worry...'
Doing the math...
Considering it all..
The Pastor this evening said something that sort of struck me...
'...If God gives you something, and it's really of God,
and you're really handling it as God wants you to handle it,
then when He takes it from you, you should be okay with it...'
That sort of blew me away...
I mean, personally... since the relationship ended (rather untimely for my tastes,) I've been sort of dumbfounded...
But the truth of the matter is, aside from feelings and all, ---I'm supposed to trust God, and see it as something where, '...okay, God gave me this relationship, He have me this woman and her kids, and I love them with my whole heart... -and now, for whatever reason, He's taken them away...'
I need to keep this in perspective.
Where the relationship and marriage to Christien (the woman who I moved here to marry,) ran out,
He gave me Fresno (I still don't know quite how to thank Him for that...)
Where (various other) situations here have run out,
Where (various other) situations here have run out,
(or run their course, or revealed as things I really don't want to be a part of,)
He gave me insight and (healthier) situations...
Where this most recent relationship has run out...
He's given me Himself,
---and is telling me not to make this situation an idol...
He's showing me how thoroughly this has had an effect, and just how thorougly swamped this situation has me...
(Which, I guess if you love somebody completely, yeah... it's all through you...)
But just like the books of Hosea and Joel talk about (not) looking to idols and (not) seeing things as I want to see them, ---but as God does...
-There will be blessing,
He gave me insight and (healthier) situations...
Where this most recent relationship has run out...
He's given me Himself,
---and is telling me not to make this situation an idol...
He's showing me how thoroughly this has had an effect, and just how thorougly swamped this situation has me...
(Which, I guess if you love somebody completely, yeah... it's all through you...)
But just like the books of Hosea and Joel talk about (not) looking to idols and (not) seeing things as I want to see them, ---but as God does...
-There will be blessing,
there will be healing,
and even what the locusts have ravaged, ---God can heal that too...
This ties in beautifully with Job (a book which my former girlfriends church was just starting to go into... (not well, but they were at least poking around,) just before she, uh, kicked me to the curb...
And let me tell you...
And let me tell you...
when you live in a town as small as Fresno, and you do everything that there is to do here, with a woman and her two kids...
Everything EVERYTHING reminds you of them, and goes all through you, and feels like the locusts eating all that there is, ---with nothing more
---and even STILL there is more being chewed...
It's a strange thing...
All the good and all the bad sort of is on fire at once...
All the more reason to just give it to God, and be like... '...okay, okay, I get it, create in me a heart that sees this, and holds this like you want me to, ---because, as I'm seeing it now, it's far too devestating,,, I need to trust you, God.'
And that... in a nutshell
Has been Fresno.
Kind of a hot wilderness one minute.
Cold, foggy and isolating the next,
Things shapeshifting and being revealed in all sorts of unexpeceted ways the next...
And me, somebody who is not just supposed to be wandering around all muffled and 'gollly-gee,' about it... ---but clearly speaking about what I know to be true, as well as what is helping me, (and who is helping me,)
-as the more and more folks I talk to, the more I hear that what I'm going through is not unique.
Good people.
Not so good people.
But lots of people that God has put in my life for His reasons.
Sometimes for reasons only he knows...
Oh yeah...
And I'm trying to get into Nursing School... (but that's for another entry...)
It's a strange thing...
All the good and all the bad sort of is on fire at once...
All the more reason to just give it to God, and be like... '...okay, okay, I get it, create in me a heart that sees this, and holds this like you want me to, ---because, as I'm seeing it now, it's far too devestating,,, I need to trust you, God.'
And that... in a nutshell
Has been Fresno.
Kind of a hot wilderness one minute.
Cold, foggy and isolating the next,
Things shapeshifting and being revealed in all sorts of unexpeceted ways the next...
And me, somebody who is not just supposed to be wandering around all muffled and 'gollly-gee,' about it... ---but clearly speaking about what I know to be true, as well as what is helping me, (and who is helping me,)
-as the more and more folks I talk to, the more I hear that what I'm going through is not unique.
Good people.
Not so good people.
But lots of people that God has put in my life for His reasons.
Sometimes for reasons only he knows...
Oh yeah...
And I'm trying to get into Nursing School... (but that's for another entry...)
posted by Semi-Gloss Lacquer at 11:58 PM
5 Comments:
holy moses on a pogo stick, he lives! and he shows his mug! i was all disoriented at first then i read, and i read, and i kept reading, and i read some more, and then more, and then i said, "oh yeah, this is eric. dang, he's hurting again. i just hate it when he hurts. i'm not compelled to pair him off. that's god's job, but gees, i hate when he's hurting." then ya went on about hosea. yep, hosea. got smacked between the eyes with that one about 12 years ago or so myself, maybe more..same basic message though when i was hurting. and i think i needed to be reminded of it again. so that fellow who moved to kansas, he was right. just speak when the spirit moves you. some folks are going to get annoyed, but you never know who is listening and needs to be.
good to see you back. gonna stay a while?
peace, brother.
hmmmm, well, Lime, I'll always be here for ya, you know, in a writerly sense... (though I've not been on blogger is quite sometime.
The 'hurting,' thing is kind of funny... I mean, the whole situation kind of fell from nowhere, and then went back to it.
--problem is I don't believe in nowhere, --and the whole time before, during, and after, myself and the woman were always praying 'okay God, guide us...'
--Which, has an amazing security to it, (for me at least,) in that, whereas pretty much everybody else around here is into this '...God, even though He's God, has a limited control over stuff, -because there's sin in the world and the fall of Adam (and all that... -which is basically saying that there is stuff that God is NOT in control over (which is rubbish,)
--That whole thing about God being really in everything and using everything has really held me... I mean, yeah, things still hurt,,, but there has been a profound reminder of the devotion of God, and how Christ really is not into the 'sorry pal, you screwed up, see ya,' sort of business.
One aspect of this area that has been a real trip is how 'performance,' based things can be... It's very 'all or nothing,' with a lot of heavy judgement of the situation usually doled out.. (pretty dramatic overtones, actually.)
Wheras there are friendships and associations that are very 'are you with us, you're with us or your not, you're very PRO us, you're boosting us and propping us, or you're not...' (which was a strong attitude I was finding at my former g.f.'s church (very 'aren't we great,' sort of mindset, calling for a lot of devotion to IT...)
The situation with God is very much a done deal... With tons of passages showing it again and again, '..you're My kid, I love you, I'm still here, I would never leave you nor forsake you, you're my kid, I'm still here, this is all a part of what I'm doing in your life...'
It's funny, I mean, on the one hand, (locally,) there is this constant need for undying loyalty to a cause, a group, a town, (you name it,) with very dire consquences if you speak up and say that there is something going on that you either don't understand, don't agree with, or think needs to be seen or done differently... (This is a very 'group,' environment... (I've written on it before...)
Wheras, with Christ, there is this TOTAL 'I love you, I'm with you always, I really know you, I really love you, and I'm doing great stuff, and will continue to do so, just trust me...'
---with NO, '...if you're disloyal, or if you question, or if you doubt THAT's it, Fire and Brimstone time, and 'we're apart.'
(Many passages addressing that clearly and saying that such definitely is NOT the case with Christ...)
What really gets me is: the level of loyalty and the demand for support required by some folks (which is really unhealthy, and down right cultic, to be honest,)
---where 'getting away from them,' is actually probably a VERY healthy thing to do...
With God?
The simple 'I love you, I really love you, I'm going to demonstrate it, I will continue to do so, and it will not waver, only strengthen, --you do with this what you wish, but I still love you...'
(...I mean, who in their right mind walks away from that?)
---(I have... but the funny thing was, He followed me... Does this make God a stalker???
No... God's love is perfect and not invasive and is not based upon His 'need,' for us, ---but is based upon His love for us, which means his ability and intimate working in our lives to make them better, (the one thing that only He can do, that nobody else can, ----yet everybody else has this requirement of loyalty, where Christ simply asks and is infinitely patient...
In such a radically different culture and experience such as out here (again, very 'group approval needed,' sort of lifestyle.) A person can loose sight of that.
That was starting to happen.
On a personal level, (meaning the relationship with the woman,) Honestly, there were major changes being made by myself, in myself and what I was doing, (both in the relationship with her, as well as with what was happening with this church,) that really weren't too good.
-To be ready and desiring to have somebody as the focus of your life and heart (her and the kids,) -totally healthy and fine... (I think this is what Husbands and Step-Dads are supposed to do... I mean, work and pay bills and such, yes, ----but your family is to come first, and their needs are to be met, cultivated, and nurtured... That's the Husband's job.
----so a lot of things that I used to be into I really wasn't a part of to such a great extent (such as Rogue this year,)
I was totally cool with that, and loved it. (not that I didn't miss the events of Rogue... but to be honest, compared to '...this is what I've wanted my whole life (vs) 'Rogue,' (which is fun and great... but simply 'Rogue.')
---I think most people understood.
What was unhealthy?
-There was a lot of 'hot and cold,' aspects to my being involved with her life and the lives of her kids, (not so much by me, but more 'one minute this is cool, this is wanted, this is desired, (next) it was like '...who are you, and why are you here.' -sort of stuff.
(Which I think is normal when you're dealing with someone who has had bad things happen in the past, and is openning up again, and taking things from the 'theoretical-desires' stage ---to really putting it into practice...
What was clearly not cool, however, was (which I found quite loud with the 'church,' thing (and this church is really her life,,,)
-That you really weren't allowed to think for yourself, You really weren't allowed to come to conclusions on your own that were not 'supportive,' of the teachings without being considered 'wrong,' ---and the teachings were not always what the Bible was saying...
(even wilder, one minute or one week they'd be saying somethign that was really great, really revealing of what the Scriptures were saying (and I was like: cool, this is great, this is what folks need to hear,) ---and the next week they'd introduce stuff that was completely the opposite of what they had just taught... with very very serious results (you grow or you don't, you're healed or you get further messed up, ---'...and by the way, we have more groups, seminars and classes to help you understand this further, you do what you want, but you'd be really blessed to attend this, (or) you can stay confused...'
As somebody who was trained in how to 'work a congregation,' or 'communicate' with them, ---who's been in some pretty messed up churches (and is quite adamant about NOT manipulating people...)
This was really making me nuts.
And it was being presented (constantly,) how this church 'really got it,' and how the recommendations that they had on how to view your life, your issues, your family (everything,) was tidily handled by their programs and their teaching...
--Again, sometimes they'd use stuff from the Bible that was great,
-others? There was stuff left out, stuff that clearly was not what the Bible said, and some of it really really bad news if you took it to heart... (with a lot of doubletalk.)
The end result was: You didn't come away from the service blessed with new stuff to chew on, things affirmed about what you'd been reading in the Scriptures and going through during the week, and you were really (only,) allowed to be 'wasn't that grrrrrreat!' -with a vague 'oh, we'll agree to disagree,' (if) the word 'disagree' was mentioned.
My former g.f. and I could never really talk about the services.
Initially we tried, (and the situations were where the pastor was saying stuff like '...there are questions here and things being said, and this is what they mean,' (about a passage of scripture being used for their subject and message...)
-When, if they had simply read the passage all the way through, -or knew the other sections where the same situation was being discussed in the Bible, -the answer was as plain as the face on our noses... (So it wasn't even 'I disagree,' -it was '..oh look, HERE it is, one inch to the right in the next verse...)
On the one hand she wanted somebody who knew more about the Bible, and who could explain stuff. (okay, proceed cautiously there, but fine, discuss and explain, etc.)
---but when it was showing (pretty directly,) that their church was taking some stuff pretty incorrectly? Or missing the point?
---or even 'talking about it,' (like: -so what did you think about today's message???)
She clammed up, and became really defensive.
In a pretty honest sense, she's already remarried to this church and everything it does, ---and really doesn't see the bad that is happening, and really doesn't want to... (That I was not all 'rah-rah, I wanna join, I wanna join.' I think was really the fork in the road...
So... regarding 'hurting.'
Yeah... I guess I definitely am, but really, there were some obvious dead ends forming up, and obvious things that I really couldn't do much with.. (aside from 'not say anything.')
---and, in the last several days of the relationship, that's what was happening...
A LOT being felt, nothing being talked about, and (obviously,) a lot of turmoil with the '..that's it, I'm through.' Email.
I think an earmark of a truly healthy relationship (be it with a church, with another person, with a group, ESPECIALLY with the one you love? There has to be the freedom to make ones own conclusions, the openning of real and honest truth, and the desire to see things as they really are, --and then the honest working with those issues, ---and loving the person through them.
-Otherwise it gets sick really fast.
That 'jamming,' and incessant biting of one's tongue, -as well as being given such radically mixed signals (when you review the teachings of this church, it's WILD, when I think of how radically things would back and forth in the realtionship (almost as radically as the church teachings...)
THAT's wild...
I kind of wonder if it's a situation where God needs to do a lot of further work (maybe reveal a few things to her,) about the situation?
But I definitely know that there was a struggle and a fair amount of 'stifling,' going on, and a lot of 'not dealing with it,' happening further...
I don't see myself ever joining that particular church, ---and they have a real heavy emphasis on joining, giving money to it, and being a part of their programs and situations...
-I can see (honestly,) her finding some guy from there, settling down, and everything just being hunky-dory (so long as they are both on the same page as the churches teachings...)
Do I like this?
-Well on a personal level, it sucks because I love her, and we did fit together really well in a lot of ways, perfectly in fact... So yeah, that part is rough.
-On an equally deep level, it always upsets me when a person (or people as a group,) are being presented with something and told 'this is God, this is what God thinks, this is what God says, this is what God wants you to do, this is what God thinks of you.'
--and (worse) they take the Bible and cut it up and tailor it to fit their own agenda and understanding (and can do so in ways that folks will not even care to read and see what is really being said (they don't work with the Bible in their teaching services on Sundays, just passages given here and there, and 'notes,' that are pre-printed with the conclusions already given by the pastor.
So that's a multi-pronged deal there that I have major issues with:
-Taking something as simple as a Bible and NOT reading it (when you're saying that you are,)
-Saying the message is 'What the Bible says,' --when it really isn't.
-Convincing the congregation that what you're saying is the truth, -and that actually looking into the passages further, -or even for what they are is sort of being 'legalistic,'
-And a whole congregation, coming to God, being fed this processed nonsense, not even knowing that they're getting incorrect information, ---which greatly affects their lives...
-And these are not stupid people, they're just trusting, and they're told time and again the things that they want to hear, and further convinced that THIS setting is excellent and so much different and essential...
I think the most obvious aspect that throws down flags is the very clear 'NOT,' letting folks look at things for what they are, and draw their own conclusions without trying to influence and manipulate them...
That's not God.
That's not good teaching nor preaching.
That's not the relationship that we're offered via Christ, nor how we are to be with each other...
There is a complete trust and very protected aspect of a life growing in Christ, ---where you have the freedom to hear, listen, think, decide, and discuss things with God, and draw your conclusions and be in this relationship in a very open ended sense, ---that results in devotion and genuine love back towards God.
(I don't know if I was very good at it, but I tried to love this woman in this sense, simply wanting to be with her.)
So... it's been an eyeopener.
As for 'staying for a while.'
Here in Ca?
Yeah, it looks like it... I mean, I want to get into school here, and am making the steps to do so...
---That having been said, my sched. is going to go totally wild and really jam...
-but the Nursing thing is something I really want to do...
---and now that I have so much more 'free time,' on my hands...
I honestly don't write as much as I used to...
-partly because it's a sense of 'okay, why rehash this when it's a cycle that folks seem to enjoy (despite complaining about it.)
--and also, my priorities and focus has been changing a lot more, and with that means a lot less time to just sit and blog so much...
--Which is good in some ways, bad in others, --but I think ultimately good...
I'll always be writing...
probably just not as frequently...
(so, we're looking at two within six months??? plus picture???)
aim high, I suppose...
-Best to you and the limes...
-e
amen, brother. preaching to the choir....grinds my gears when churches have a brain depository on the doorstep.
keep me posted on this nursing thing though. i know this has been a long term dream, glad to hear the wheels are turning there.
One thing about all of this that I have been thinking of,
-I think I'm going to start a new blog (Godblog) and basically start writing about what is going on in life from the perspective of churches, personal walks with the Lord, -stuff like that.
I'm finding that a lot of aspects of my relationship with Christ, churches, others, (etc.) have been really going through a grid of late.
This IS a much different spiritual climate (the people are quite different,) out here in Central California... The Churches are very different, the focus is different, --and I think we're in a much different age of reasoning in terms how Christians are thinking, what matters, and what they are dealing with (and not wanting to deal with,) etc.
Overall, I find when I write about stuff, even if I don't understand it completely as it's going on, there is and unfolding and clarification on those issues. (Sort of the story of my life.)
I realize some folks will be sort of 'turned off,' by the religious aspect of the writings.
That's fine.
They can write about what they like, and choose to read or scroll, (Truthfully, It's been so long since I've written on 'Written in the Cool of the Night,' or 'Built Entirely of Words,' that I think a lot of my 'steady readers,' (with exception of yourself and K, have wandered off, ---and I know you guys aren't put off by spiritual discussion.
I'm sort of (also) realizing what a Blog IS and what a blog isn't.
For me it's kind of a canvas and something that I should create and work things out on,
-it's not 'playing to the room,' or necessarily dialogue, per se, (nor) some sort of passive aggressive schoolyard to squabble in.
I'm not sure how I got into that worry, maybe it was simply trying to appease or be too aware of others, and writing more 'to/with' them, -than simply writing and creating something on my own.
Either way, I think a lot of things have changed, a lot of things should be addressed, and it's a good way sorting out some of these issues in light of Scripture and such.
(I used to do this thing back at College in Nyack,,, (I was on the radio a lot,) where, if there was a broadcast of the chapel services, (or) a subject at hand socially, -or something that I was really chewing on, ---I could springboard off that, and roll through a lot of scriptures and situations kind of 'explaining,' what was going on that was correct, -or not- directly involving the passages and what was being said...
When it worked well, it was sort of like dialogue with four different soruces:
-what was or had been said (or what the subject was.)
-what was often felt about it, or said that was accurate (or innaccurate,)
-what the Bible was saying.
-what I was thinking, or had felt on the issue.
What was interesting was, nine times out of ten, I had no way how it was going to go... as the studies were sort of unfolding 'live,' and (as always,) the Scriptures were revealing stuff that was something to chew on that neither the speakers, the common belief, nor myself really had seen...
But it was always great to come up with some truth, and something solid to stand on and see things by...
I think a lot of this has been brewing and coming on BECAUSE this area (Fresno) and this era (where we are as adults, WHO's an adult, as well as the culture...)
There's this vague swirling lame 'I dunno, you dunno, we dunno, nobody dunno, just go with the flow of it...'
That got old in the early seventies, and I don't think folks really want to just drift about when it comes down to it...
I know I don't.
We'll see how it goes...
Never visited your blog before but I rnjoyed your post. Seems like you have been gone for some time. I like what your preacher said. God sometimes gives us things to enjoy for a season then when they are gone we get mad at Him. Paul said he had learned that in all things he was content. We need to be more like that and enjoy our life each day.
Sorry to hear about the lady of your life. Women. Its hard to understand them but hang in there. There is a plan for you.
I have an old 1962 model truck that has no air. Its hot driving it here in the mountains of east Tennessee.
I will visit your blog often for an update. Take care.
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